Philip Larkin - This Be The Verse
They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another's throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don't have any kids yourself.

Down at my parents...they make no effort to do anything other than moan at me...they rant at me...give me endless stuff to do that is impractical when holding down a full time job...insult me...refuse to accept my four year relationship...tell me I'm going to die young...tell me I'm fat...tell me I'm lazy...refuse to accept I'm an aduly...hover over me criticising everything I do...generally dislike me...

but they love me...FUCK!

I wrote this last Tuesday and because of going away and being generally busy I forgot to post it...

Yesterday was in many ways a sad day....it saw us returning our beautiful black greyhound to the Hall Green Retired Greyhound Trust (from whom we had adopted him just four months previously). Now, although we have our original dog Paddy we feel we have failed at being dog parents.

It's a sad occasion when you realise that the dog you love has to go. Hugo was a huge part of the family in his short time with us. He became like our shadow in many ways and was fantastic when you were down in the dumps as he always had a cuddle for you! There have been a series of events culminating in Hugo's return including

1. An attempted attack on a small dog when we were down at Claire's parents - he did nothing except for utter a little bark and Hugo just went for him

2. An attempted attack on a larger dog when we were walking in Worcester Woods...this time it was largely uprovoked...

3. Various other attempted attacks on other dogs of various sizes

4. An actual attack on our other greyhound Paddy...this left Paddy (who is the biggest wimp of a dog ever) with severe bite marks in his neck (he looks like a vampire has gone for him)...blood bouring from his neck...a vet bill of around £85...and one scared Paddy...

So he had to go...

I know he sounds like a monster in the above but he wasn't. The truth is that if it was just people around Hugo was an incredibly affectionate dog who loved nothing more than leaning up against people and having a fuss. He would follow Claire and I everywhere just needing to be where the action was. He was fantastic also with younger children and was in many ways an incredible dog.

So if you have no other pets and feel you can give him a home Hugo would make an incredible affectionate and loving pet for to anyone providing he has no other dogs to compete with for your affection...and I am guessing cats are out of the question too...

Please visit Hall Green Retired Greyhound Trust. If you can't adopt a dog you could make a donation or give some money towards rehoming and feeding of dogs...If you do phone ask about Hugo as he could be the boy for you!!

So subject of todays post is weight...and I guess tied into that is food....

Since I have been with Claire (my girl) my weight has literally exploded...I was a size 14 when I met her...I then went to a 16...an 18...16...18...crazy hey? I am now at the point where once again my clothes are getting too tight and so I'm going to do something about it...starting with this blog here!!

You may think that I eat because there's something I am unahppy with in my life...maybe because I am stressed...maybe because I eat too much...maybe because I eat rubbish...well the truth is...kinda!

In all honesty I love food...I love going out to a restaurant and sampling the delights on their menu...where food was concerned I was once dull and boring...English or not at all...however, since living in the West Midlands in close proximity of places I get to try out lots of new eateries...and I guess part of the problem is that Claire loves food as much as I do...

When I go home to my parents they are frequently shocked by how little I can eat at times..but then there are times when I save it all up for a meal out...some days I like to snack...some days I love chocolate...some days I love grease...other days I'm an angel!!

I did Weightwatchers before but ended up feeling constantly hungry...knowing I wasn't allowed food made me crave it even more...stupid hey!

So I need to diet...it's going to be a simple case of cutting back on booze, grease, chocolate and sweets...all those things that taste so good but are so bad...and you know what knowing that I'm not allowed these things...will make me want them even more!!!

Lately I seem to be ging through a phase of buying new underwear...clearing out the grotty old knickers which have huge holes in them for being kept in circulation for so long...clearing out the knickers which were made for much younger people than myself...clearing out knickers that are nothing but little bits of lace...

Reason for this new fetish...well I guess it is largely down to working in Tescos and realising...itis okay to spend money on pants!! The number of women who come through my till and are obviously unashamed of buying themselves new underwear has been a revelation to me...admitedly it is a little scary when someone old enough to be my gran hands over a lacy thong...but these women care about what is going on undeneath as well as on top...

So far over the last week I have splurged and got 12 new pairs of knickers and 3 new bras..and you know what I may continue on the buying spree...the only drawback is I may still need to diet t look good in them...but ho hum!

For some time now Claire (my partner) and I have been keen on the idea of starting a family. Now we have tried following the adoption route but adoption agencies seem in many ways a bit unhelpful to lesbian couples and whilst they claim to be able to have you with child in 8 months that seems to be the caseonly if they love you...

So despite my low pain threshold and my being hideously afraid of babies we've decided to look into more natural methods...(actually I have foundmyself getting broody recently and I do seem to spend lot of time looking admiringly at the little ones who go through my checkout at work).

We are serious about this (and I feel it really important to state this first as I think occasionally people rush into things without thinking them through). We are at the stage in our relationship where we own a home together, we are looking to get married next year and we really want to make a long term commitment and if that's not enough we have two farting greyhounds too!!!

So why the blog...well I've been thinking lots lately and the questions that are cropping up seem to be

- where do you start looking for sperm if you don't want to pay loads of money? We've considered advertising but
- where do you go if you want a clean living man with no chances of infections or disease who will want to play a small yet significant part in the child's life?
- how do you monitor the applicants to check that they have personality qualities we find desirable in people

Answers on a postcard please...I would love in particular to hear from any ladies or men who have been down this route already who can offer advice...or even men who come fully tested and prove they have no horrible lurgies that could be passed on to me or a baby!

As promised yesterday I wanted to talk about how I've changed...so...here goes..

When I was little I lived in the small village of Llangynidr...I have often talked about it here so need to say much other than it's small and not much happens here...due to a shortage of young people I was a fairly solitary child...I went to St David's Ursuline Convent in Brecon where whilst I made some friends none of them were uniquely mine...I often felt like an outsider from everyone else and I hated that...people used to taunt me occasionally about my buck teeth and some people were cruel enough from an early age to call me a lesbian (I guess they were right...) Despite opportunities to leave behind the taunts and bullying I chose to stay there until the age of 18 and things did get better...I made two main friends Pen Dalley and Christina Nixon who I have unfortunately fallen out of contact with and life became happier...

Around the age of 17 I started to experiment sexually with men who I typically picked up on-line...whilst I enjoyed the thrill of meeting someone new and having sex the sex itself did nothing for me...I guess it was the thrill of knowing I may get caught and that my parents would disapprove of it...at the back of my mind throughout this time was there has to be something better than this and I would frequently find myself gazing longingly at girls and ladies thinking...ooh I wonder what that would be like...

I entered into a series of relationships the most prolific being that with a guy called Leigh...he was a fab guy...occasionally a little tactless...he had a love for food...he used to book us into hotels for nights out...but basically there was still something missing...and bless him there was nothing he could have done to change this...

By this time I lived in Cardiff and had gone from a tee totaller to a beer and lager swigging food obsessive...I had gradually gained confidence in myself and was feeling happier every day...I also gained a love for music and my CD collection was rapidly gaining in size....

After a year away from Cardiff in Llanfyllin and a year and a half away from a proper relationship I met Claire and I feel head over heels in love...this girl was everything I had looked for and I felt so happy...despite the problems with my parents I was prepared to fight for her and I guess this is where tonight's blog joins on...

On a recent visit to Cardiff I walked those same city streets around the districts of Cathays and Roath where I had once been so happy and I thought to myself...gosh I've changed...

My parents would argue that the changes I have gone through are largely negative but I am writing this feeling happy and secure in a relationship and loving my home life...

I still don't know what I was waiting for
And my time was running wild
A million dead-end streets
Every time I thought I'd got it made
It seemed the taste was not so sweet
So I turned myself to face me
But I've never caught a glimpse
Of how the others must see the faker
I'm much too fast to take that test

David Bowie - Changes

I met Claire about four years ago...(it was actually 15th August)...we had spoken on-line for some time prior to our meet and before I saw her I knew that she was going to play a large part in my life...you can tell with some people as you just have what feels like an instant rapport (not the Kenco coffee!)...

Our first date was a strange affair largely due to me being a random kind of gal...it incorporated amongst other things...Japanese food...my ex boyfriend (who was still in love with me) and my best mate El...It was all very pleasant though and despite Claire warning me that there was potentially someone else I was very much smitten...

Shortly after that I came out to my parents (long story - if you want to know ask and I'll post it here sometime..) and despite them being a nightmate Claire and I moved in together...since then we have lived in each other's houses until I sold my house and we had a big coming together...ooh err...

Anyway...my parents still disapprove whole heartedly even though this has been going on for the last four years but Claire's family have seemed rather more accepting...

Back in about February I suggested a civil partnership to Claire as a sign of our commitment to each other and she agreed....

We made the engagement official to Claire's family last week and were somewhat shocked by the response...I think largely they think I am too immature...they have never really come to terms with Claire being a lesbian let alone one who now wants to marry her partner...and they find it difficult...

My parents who are rather less sympathetic are still in the dark with me terrified of what will be said and done when I tell them...

This should be a time of celebaration but instead we are both feeling a bit down in the dumps about it all...instead of congratulations cards so far all we have had are puzzled looks kind of suggesting that they are all wondering why the hell we want to do this...

Anyway loud and clear...I love Claire Louise Smith and will marry her regardless of what everyone says...I want to spend the rest of my life with my long legged brunette from Penarth...and no-one will stop me!

Well it's been some time since I last dropped by...mainly due to being busy rather than anything else. I am back at my parents for the next two days enjoying my mum's ranting and the Welsh countryside out here in the middle of no-where....I am going to use this blog largely as an intro to the two main posts I'm going to be making either tonight or over the next couple of days...the first will be about my upcoming civil partnership to Claire...the second about how I've changed....I think they are both too important to be squeezed in here with my every day hello how are you so I am going to give them unique posts for you to read or ignore as needs be...