McDonalds here I come...induction tomorrow at 2 woohoo!

Right I'm off to my job interview at McDonalds...woohoo! I have my list of dates when I am unavailable for one reason or another...and I am ready and raring to go...or maybe not!

I looked at a job site I use regularly this morning and I am potentially shortlisted for two jobs which is fantastic - it also means I am far less stressed about the interview today as although I haven't even started there yet it shows me that I have a possible escape!!

Other than that...picked up a new car yesterday...a 54 plate Seat Arosa which I am loving so far...I spoke to an ex girlfiend last night...and I am just feeling generally positive!!!

So on Wednesday my escape from teaching continues with an interview at McDonalds....I spent last Saturday phoning agencies and visiting shops for application forms and this so far is the only one that has got back to me.

I'm feeling slightly nervous about it all as I'm not really big on working in catering environments...I worked in a restaurant in Brecon once and used to be dreadful at spilling stuff...I guess at least in McD there is no worry about me breaking any fine china...

I've always found the service rubbish at the particulalr restaurant where I am going for an interview...how ironic that I could be on the other side of things!!

Whichever way I look at things it seems that I am going to be a minimum wage slave..like it or not...but it beats standing up there in front of know it all kids!!

Well I had the shock of my life this morning...when opening my e-mail inbox I found an e-mail from someone called Adele Sica...now I didn't have to think twice about who this person could be...it's someone who I have thought of lots in the recent past as she was such a cool mate in school...

Adele was Miss Popularity...in all rights me and her shouldn't have been friends...I was never up there with the popular people in the class...everyone loved Adele with good reason...she was one of the sweetest people imaginable...

One of the things I loved about her was that even as an teenager she had such enthusiasm for life...she used to come back to school from weekends away with mad stories of what she'd got up to...boys she'd gone out with...people she'd met...everything...and she had the coolest clothes too...especially this pair of USA flag jeans which I remember loving at the time...

I think we got on well because in some ways I was so different to her...whereas she was outgoing and funloving I was fairly quiet and studious...she educated me about boys (a lot of it passed over my head) and she was always there when I felt fed up...

She was never malicious or hurtful even when we teased her non stop abut getting 1% in maths exams 3 terms in a row...

I am so glad to have her back in my life and can't wait till Claire and I get chance to go and see her down in Brighton!!

So I travelled back from my parents this morning after being told off for giving an honest answer to a question they asked

Them: "Why are you going back now"
Me: "because I want to"

I didn't there was anything wrong with the answer and I thought it was best to always tell the truth...groan...

Anyway Claire had been down in her mum and dad's since yesterday evening and I was looking forward to see her...so that was part of my motivation...we arranged to meet at home for her to drop of the dog and for us to have a quick hug before she went to a meeting...

However, things didn't go according to plan...Claire felt tired and was late leaving so we met at Frankley services on the M5...a brief kiss and exchange of dog from Claire's car to mine and Claire went off to Walsall while I took the dog for a walk

We ended up in one of my favourite spots...we walked up the Clent Hills stopping half way up for us to catch our breath and to have a nice cuddle!! When finally there we looked at the spectacular views and felt truly in awe of it all..

I don't know if anyone has ever climbed these hills before but if you go to one point you can look out over loads of different sites within the West Midlands and beyond...

Imagine a place where you can see...Wolverhampton...Stourbridge...Malvern Hills...Black Mountains...Kidderminster...Hagley Castle...Dudley Castle...Lye...Worcester...Cannock Chase...to name but a few of the places...breathtaking hey!

I took photos with my camera phone which as ever didn't come out too well...but I guess can appreciate them which is the main thing...anyway as a treat below is a pic of me and the dog...as taken by me...half way up the hills...

I've been a right mardy old grumpbags this last few days...yes my life isn't how I want it to be but only I can sort that out...

Anyway I thought I'd write about something I am passionate about...women!

I came out about five and a half years ago to my friends (four and a bitto my family)...shortly after meeting a woman down the local pub called Lou...one night we got leglessly drunk ended up snogging on the street corner on the way home and then had a drunken fumble...'twas so much fun that I vowed to repeat the experience and since then I haven't looked back...

Yes prior to that I was straight...I had been out with quite a few men and was going out with a fantastic guy called Leigh at the time...however, after that drunken fumble it all started making sense...

I went out the following night to a few local bars and had never felt so at home as out on the scene...it seemed like the people there weren't afraid to be themselves and there were some of the most vibrant characters I had ever seen...

Alarm bells kept ringing...I realised I had to tell me friends and I freaked out big time...they accepted me though...

From that point I felt free to admire all the ladies out there in the world...the thin petite ladies who are so perfect to look at...women with ample cleavages...women with athletic bodies...the big bold beautiful ladies who always came across as larger than life...every woman was so different and every one was so beautiful in their own way...

I've been in a relationship with Claire for four years and I still take time out to admire women from time to time...occasionally what is even better is when Claire and I take time out to look together...as Claire always says:
"Couples who perve together stay together"
and I guess as long as we both look and don't touch there is no harm at all in that!!

Call me strange but I really love my car and love driving...

Knowing the open road is there below me...knowing that putting my foot down will whisk me away to new places and new sights...knowing that there are all these beautiful parts of the UK I still haven't seen...

Some of the most beautiful drives I have had include....

Brecon -> Llanfyllin - I did this journey pretty much every other week for a year. It took in a large part of the county of Powys and as I took in the back routes it was never anything but breathtaking...past Llanidloes, Llandinam, Newtown and all those lovely little rural places...

Llangynidr -> Bromsgrove - a trip I don't make as often as I probably should for various reasons....I guess I love this journey because it is the one I take home to Claire...I know that at the end of it she will be there waiting for me and I love that feeling...It does also take into some gorgeous sights like the Black Mountains, the Sugar Loaf mountain and other bits of gorgeous Wales and Gloucestershire...

The same journeys in reverse (not reverse gear but the opposite way around) don't fill me with the same joy though and that makes me feel heavy hearted. When I took the journey from Llanfyllin to Llangynidr I almost felt like I was leaving my freedom behind. Returning to a world where my every move was monitored even though I was well over the age of 18...likewise the journey from Bromsgrove to Llangynidr is one into a world of lies - everyone here believes I have a full time job and that I am single and it's a pretence that is hard to live up to...

It all comes down once again to parents...their refusal to accept me and love me for who I am...

If I ever have children I will always love them for who they are and not who I want them to be...whether they are gay, straight or bi...who cares as long as they are happy!

I just wrote a letter to Jo Wiley on Radio 1 asking her to play a song on changing tracks. I am hoping she will play it but not holding out my hopes as I have never had any requests played out on Radio 1. If there is anyone out there who facies e-mailing her on my behalf I would be greatful...

Dear Jo,

I met Claire on gaydargirls back in 2003 - we chatted on-line and I quickly fell in love with her modesty, sense of humour and her cheery grin. We met shortly after in August and by mid September we were inseparable. Claire is one of the most incredible people I have ever met - she has such a sparkly personality that it is hardnot to love her.

Despite problems with my family - they fail to accept that Claire and I are a couple and keep our relationship secret - Claire has stuck by me. Even though my Mum has on occasion yelled at Claire, been rude to her and most recently chosen to ignore her - Claire is there for me.

I have been unemployed since September and October - I wanted to move from teaching into office work as I was spending so much time ill due to anxiety and strees - throughout it all she has stuck with me and what's more now she funds all of our cinema visits, my CD buying habits, meals out and most importantly pays our mortgage.

I guess the reason I am writing this is I want Claire to know how much I love her. I want her to know that I think she is an incredible woman and thank her for all her support so far. I am sure I will get a job soon enough and then things can get back to normal!

love Sian

In case you wondered the song I requested is - The Kinks - You Really Got Me

Claire took me to the doctor this morning...I think largely because she was worried about me...when she came in last night I'd been crying loads and generally feeling sorry for myself...

I don't know about doctors in other parts of the country but mine are fantastic...there are two female doctors in particulalr who just seem to be excellent as well as very easy to talk to...when I first moved up here I remember a visit to Dr Ash where Claire and I asked her how best to deal with hangovers...as well as telling us not to drink as much she gave us a few cures too!!!

Anyway today I took a list with me of how I was feeling and I guess just wanted some form of reassurance...I explained how I felt lacking in motivation, how I had no energy to do simplistic things, how I was drinking too much alcohol, how I seemed to cry easily and various other bits...As much as anything it helped getting it out in the open...at one point the Doctor York touched my leg and just said not to worry...it's only natural for someone who's been from one job to another to feel out of place when they have no job....I felt like crying at being told I was normal...

At the end of the day the doctor said nothing that Claire hadn't but it seemed to help anyway...she told me I need to get myself a routine because if I keep lying in bed all day I will never feel better about myself...I felt uplifted by the whole experience if that doesn't sound stupid...

After the visit to there I went to my local Morrison's and picked up an application form...it may not set the world alight but it's a start...and after that I went to see the film A Feast of Love which was beautiful...it was heart rending and made me cry...that and it added to my already strong suspicion that Morgan Freeman is actually God!!

I am getting so fed up with not having a job to go to...yes it's wonderful being able to spend time in the house...it's cool being able to go for a walk...it's nice being able to sleep in...but it's also slightly dull..the longer I am out of work the less money I have...the less money I have the more dependant I am on Claire...

Claire as ever is being extremely supportive and lovely...she has offered to support me financially providing I do some bits and bobs around the house and that I try and help out with her spares business...

I don't know though...whilst I should have loads of energy I seem to have none at all...I'm guessing this is because I am depressed and down...this in part isn't helped by the amount of time I am spending in the house...If I go out though it means I am not doing the bits and bobs I should and therefore I appear to be taking the mick!

Life hey?

Well the outcome of the interview was probably for the best..I didn't get it...when I found out I was upset (mainly because they took over a day to get back to me)...then I was relieved...I'm far from desperate to get back into a classroom and am enjoying finding myself...

Talking of finding myself...I just took a personality test to see which Friends character I was...I could have coped with pretty much every result except for it said I was Ross...of all the characters I could have been...I could even have coped with being Chandler but Ross? I think the only reason I disapprove of it to be honest is that Ross is the most anally retentive and whiny of the lot!

What is it about personality tests thought? Why do we need to be able to identify aspects of our personality in other people? Is it for reassurance? Or is it some other unkown reason?To be honest I guess my whole motivation is just that I enjoy taking quizzes!!

Returning to the subject of Friends...it's about to come on and although I have seen each of them 2 or 3 times I'm going to chill out in front of it!

So today I had a interview...it was at a fairly dire school in a fairly hideous suburb of Birmingham...apparently in terms of deprived areas within the UK the catchment of this school was in the 80th percentile. It was an area surrounded by tower blocks, council houses and just had the feel of an area which had fallen on hard times.

I was alread feeling anxious when leaving home but after travelling for an hour to go ten miles down the road was feeling so on edge it was unreal!

As I pulled up outside the school my gut feeling was one of fear - partly because I am unsure I want to go back into teaching just yet, partly because of the general feel of the place. The recpetionist greeted us warmly in between explaining that the school was temporarily closed due to a flood - one of the water pipes had burst and water was pouring out into one of the main corridors.

I guess I should have felt relieved as this meant I wouldn't have to teach a lesson. However, I felt a sense of disappointment as I spent ages preparing for it and attempting to get things right. What it also meant was an interview which relied on my ability to talk to people...

I don't know about anyone else but I find talking in interviews a nerve wracking experience. You never know what people expect you to say, what is percieved as the correct answer in one school is seen completely different in another.

The first candidate was out in 15 minutes and I was there for 25 minutes. I left feeling semi positive being told they'd phone and be told the outcome. I am still awaiting a phone call so my feeling is that I have been unsuccessful.

I don't know what to feel to be honest...I am unsure I wanted the job but I don't know if I didn't want it either...hmmm...life hey?

I just wanted to thank everyone for their kind comments.

I am going to do a few little things and then I am going to go for it and send the letter. I'm going to do it postally as I want to make sure my mum gets it and can't complain that I always tell my dad things and never tell her...

I think one of my problems in life is that like many people I spend way too much time worrying what will happen as a result of the things I do...this in my case leads to anxiety and depression which I would wish on no-one...

Tomorrow if I can face it I have an interview for a teaching position in a local high school...it is relatively mediocre in terms of standards but it would be money coming in....I then want to consider my options a bit more thoroughly and look into ways of getting myself a job as a non teacher...from what I see at the moment there are few jobs around and lots of people applying for them!!

I will probably never send this but I've written it and would appreciate feed back

Dear Mummy,

I wanted to put down into words how I'm feeling. You recently asked me if I liked you and the answer to that is yes, I like and love you. I feel, however, if I asked you the same question the answer would be debatable.

I have always tried to be a loving and caring daughter. I try and spend time with you and my dad even though I am now grown up and have friends, a partner and other priorities in my life but it is difficult.

A few instances that hurt.

Your comments about my weight and size are rude and hurtful. I know I was always a size 12 or 14 but that was back when I was young. I have been comfortable as a size 16 for some time now and while I would like to loose some weight it isn't my top priority at the moment. I like food I like eating...and whilst it is wrong when you criticise me it makes me eat all the more,

Your failure to accept that I am unhappy as a teacher. I have tried teaching and I really do not like it. I dislike being in a classroom as an adult almost as much as I did when I was young. The truth is kids are cruel and nasty. Whilst I like the idea of passing on my knowledge I feel teaching possibly isn't my true calling in this life. What does it matter if I am currently between jobs? surely my happiness counts for more? What does it matter what Rita and the neightbours think of me? I really do not care...either take me as I am or leave me.

Next the big thing is my relationship with Claire. I love my girlfriend very much and we are intending to marry next August to mark our 5 year anniversary. All our friends have been told and the only reason I haven't let you and daddy know is that I am scared of your reaction. I am scared that once again you will be concerned with what people think rather than being happy for me. Claire is such an excellent partner to me. She is loving, supportive and always there for me. She has bailed me out financially on so many occasions you don't know about. When I have needed emotional support she has been there with advice and a shoulder to cry on. She sticks with me regardless of how immature, silly and slobbish I am. She has paid for alterations to our home, she has supported the purchase of my car and is a truly wonderful person. You however, seem unable to see past all of her positive points and dislike her because of what she is to me. You also dislike her because when I was in tears and becoming hysterical she told you to shut up. It hurts that Claire and I have the support of her family yet not of my own. The fact that no-one knows I am in a relationship with someone and have been for four years is difficult.

When you accuse me of saying things because Claire has told me to that hurts. Give me the credit of being a woman with a mind of her own. People young and old have always complemented me on how I know my own mind. They complement me on my ability to communicate with people. They complement me on who I am. They accept who I am. This is all because of the things you and daddy have taught me.

I frequently feel that I do not know what story I am telling people. Just be honest about me and be proud of me. I am writing this from the bottom of my heart. It is not something Claire has told me to write. These are all my own words.

I love you and I think these things could make our relationship so much easier.

Love

Sian

I'm writing this in a stinker of a mood....

Claire and I are going to London tomorrow night to see Footloose the musical...we bought five tickets and were taking two of our friends down with us along with meeting up with another friend who lives in London...we were really looking forward to it as we were going to go out in SoHo for beets and grab a bite to eat on the South Bank...

So first of all on Sunday we get a text saying our London friend can't make it...that's okay she doesn't work due to long term illness and we understand that if she doesn't feel well then she can't do it...

Talk to friends on Monday...yep they're well up for it...Tuesday yep...even coming around for food the night before so we can finalise plans...Wednesday night...one text...can't make it...half an hour later...second text can't make it...

Now what gets me is they seem to have no intention of paying for tickets and when I erupt getting really annoyed for forking out money (when I am unemployed) on three more tickets than I need they look surprised hurt and dejected...

So this is where we are...three spare tickets for Footloose in London Northumberland Theatre...they are cheap seats but to anyone reading this who can meet us outside the theatre tomorrow night at 8 they are free tickets...will let 2 go or will let 1 go or all 3...if you want a cheap theatre experience please let me know!

When I first gained Internet access via Network Wales back in 1995 I never pictured it becoming such a large part of my life. I remember intially finding it dull but then I changed service provider and away I went.

Being a relatively shy person I found that the internet helped me a great deal with this. I didn't have to worry about people who claimed to be my mates taking the mick out of me in front of my face. My friends on-line typically were UK based and came from around the UK and I am pleased to say I still talk to many of them now.

The internet now features largely in my life inasmuch as I met my partner through Gaydargirls.com...I buy most of my gig tickets on-line I am even partial to a few internet games...The one thing I don't get though is the MySpace phenomenon....Is this just a sign of me getting old? I love facebook but find the idea of decorating a page on MySpace with loud in your face pics and loud music trite! For me I guess the main internet fix I have is my blog...yes it's plain, dull and boring but it does allow me to vent my frustrations with the world!!

I failed to write about my course last week. I can honestly say that I really enjoyed it…The teacher is a very talented goldsmith who retired a few years back…after teaching some friends he decided he might as well teach courses within the local community. He has been doing it for about two years ago and is really very interesting. He also knows loads of places within the Jewellery Quarter in Birmingham.

Anyway…last night was the second instalment of my jewellery course…I found out that I wasn’t very good at soldering but for once instead of wanting to give up this made me all the more determined. All too often in this life it is easier to walk away rather than hold your guns when things get difficult…I have been appalled on a few occasions by how easily I give up at things in life…some times I give up because like a lot of people I cannot cope with criticism…some times I give up because I loose interest when it gets tough…some times I give up just out of laziness! I am determined with jewellery making to stick at it…partly because I love silver jewellery and the idea of being able to make my own really appeals to me….partly because there is possibly room in it for a hobby business…partly because it’s good to get out of the house and do something new.

Today I walked the dog...nothing new there as I do tend to be his chief carer with Claire back in work (and yes I know this makes him sound more human than dog)...The new thing about todays walk was the location...

Today Pad and I went for a walk in the beautiful Clent Hills...midway between Bromsgrove and Stourbridge you get the most amazing view at the top...Pad and I both started out well but tired quickly and by the top of the one hill we were exhausted...the main thing though was the incredible views at the top...the breeze which was chilly yet refreshing...and just being there with the dog!

It never ceases to amaze me that I spend all of this time with the dog yet rarely feel fed up with him...I know they say a dog is man's best friend...well my Pad is definitely this girl's best friend!