Musings of a Randomist

I recently got back in touch with one of my ex school friends who I wrote about on here. Adele was always a really lovely person who stuck with me even though I was Ms Unpopular and the class nerd...anyway all these years on she's married with a gorgeous little one...she looks as fab as ever...she is the same person she always was...yet she doesn't seem happy...

To be honest her husband sounds like a bit of a jerk...Mr Inconsiderate...Mr Uncaring...Mr Idiot of the year and I find myself wondering how she ended up with him...

It is amazing how so many people seem to change once they have got married...they change from being the person that their partner loves into someone else...but is that really the case?

I know since meeting Claire I have put on a lot of weight...I have become increasingly lazy...I have had less contact with my family who disapprove of our relationship and don't like us being together...but...at the end of the day surely that was always the case and I always had potential to do these things..

Anyway this brings my rant to an end!

I know I said I wouldn't but I am debating a return to teaching....yep I'm sorry...I may have to do this...but before people breathe a deep sigh and start pulling their hair out I am thinking of a move into offender education...I doubt I'll have much luck with the application but I am putting it in and hoping for the best nonetheless!

Last night was track night...once a month we go up to the greyhound track in Hall Green and try to promote the joys of greyhound ownership...it's quite a cool night all in all...

The first time we went Pad our little boy was incredibly unfazed by it all...he walked around on his lead and didn't seem to notice the dogs who were running on the track! So, we went back a second time and again he was largely okay...

The last two times however, what a change...he's been absolutely wired...the sounds have come on to signal the start of the race and Pad has been whining and making a right performance!! He's not normally a strong dog but the last twice he has pulled so hard I've almost expected his lead to break!!

I think along with work one of my main rants here is about the treatment of greyhounds...if you are in the position where you are considering a new pet you will never meet such a lovely, cuddly, friendly a dog as a greyhound...they get on well with kids...they get on with other dogs...a few exceptional ones get on with cats too...Otherwise if you can't give one a homemake a donation if you get chance...Hall Green RGT alone has about 40 dogs in it's care waiting for rehoming...all of these need food and a slight bit of training to get them ready for life in your house!!!

I don't understand why but I seem to have turned off a sensible programme to watch I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here...

I was highly amused by what I saw...two big mouths sticking insects in their mouths and holding them there for a period of time...both wanting to be centre of attention but hating it when the other offered any words of advice...

I can't get over how adults can act so much like children...what scares me I guess is that these are the people who kids in schools look up to...

One of the reasons why I have watched some of this series is that one of my dream women Ms Ceys Matthews of Catatonia fame is there in the junbgle...I think she has been cool to date but I am slighty bemused by her relationship with Marc Bannerman who used to be the uglier of the two Italian brothers in Eastenders...(then again what do I know about top totty I am only a lesbian)! My other shock if this series is...I seem to fancy Katie Hopkins from the Apprentice who looks quite a bit like a member of the royal family...

It's been a while...I guess partly because I went away for about three days last week...partly because although I haven't been particularly busy I seem to have had loads to do...

I have been with the prison service two weeks today...however, with almost a week off in the middle it has been nearer to one week...What are my thoughts? Well whether you want to hear them or not here they come...

Since leaving Uni I have always worked in schools...while there were people I talked to now and again I felt that I never completely fitted in...I found teacher's in some respects a strange breed...people who can communicate with kids yet when asked a simple question by an adult failed to answer...managers who wouldn't say anything to your face yet take it up a level...as a result I became depressed, unhappy and generally disillusioned with it all...

I now work in an office with about 8 other people...to get into that office I pass through a huge number of big heavy doors with locks..but hey this is HMP Blakenhurst...my office is large open plan...my jobs pays poorly...yet I love it!!!

I talk to everyone in my office and they are all so friendly and accepting...It is the sort of place I always wanted to work in where every day I feel wanted...

If only I could find a way to earn extra money there lol

I work in a prison...no matter how many times I say that to myself I don't believe it...apart from all the doors and locks it's just like any other workplace...yes I need to be escorted in by someone with a pass every morning...yes I have to show my passport to even go through into the main buidling...but...there is something surpisingly likeable about it...

For the first time in my working career I feel like a valued team member...I have people who I can talk to around me...I enjoy my working day...

Why didn't I get out of teaching quicker?

I came down to South Wales with Claire yesterday...basically I guess it's an escape from normality and although we are around her parents it's chilled...

We stay in the town of Penarth just outside of Cardiff and you can smell the sea breeze...To top it off I guess it is just a gorgeous town even though it has got increasingly built up since I've been with my lovely lady...

Anyway we spent yesterday evening just chilling and relaxing...we drank a few too many red wines...lazed around and watched a film...This morning Claire couldn't sleep so she left me in bed to sleep in...After a little more kip we went off to Pont Abraham Services to pick up new wheels for my car and then came back via the Gower and The Mumbles...

One of the reasons for my post I guess is that Swansea is one of these places I just don't get...I mean there is some beautiful scenery there...in fact some of it is quite breathtaking but it just doesn't have the charm for me that Cardiff does...

I love the sea that is there...I think ther beach being so close to the city centre is fab as it is lovely and sandy and the sea there always calls me in for a paddle...I love so many of the beautiful views...I adore the Mumbles even though it is full of student drinking dens...I adore the Gower even though it is full of tourists...I even love the marina...but something about the city I just don't like....

I guess among other things one of the reason is that I feel the City Centre, thanks to heavy bombing in WW2, lacks character...the buildings are uncharismatic and just don't make me fall in love with them...I also found the city centre quite scary when coming across it back to the train station when I was a student as it felt like you were trapped in a concrete jungle...the train station itself was cold and uninviting...

I don't think it deserved Rhys Ifans calling it a "pretty shitty city" in the film Twin Town as it really has many redeeming features...I think if it were a child it may be stamped with the label "must try harder"...

Swansea however, does seem to be going through a spurt of development which is giving the city character and a little more charm...and after my visit today I left thinking maybe I just need to spend a little more time there!

BTW: I apologise if I have offended anyone...these are my views and my views alone...I know there are people out there who love the place...I just ain't one of them

Claire just yelled for me to get my backside downstairs...oh shit thought I...what have I done wrong now...I got down there quickly...I found my girlfriend stood in the middle of the kitchen...smile on her face...arms open..."It's just been on the news that we should hug more"...

Hugs...the most underrated expression of love ever!

Some days I feel like I am the invisible woman. I feel like people see through me, see past me, don't register that I am present. I have always been the invisible girl. Back when I was in school. Back when I was in Guides. At various other stages in my childhood and now in adult life.

What has made me think like this? Today, I went to Tesco. Whilst pushing my trolley around people would step out in front of me. It was as if they didn't see me. Old people, young people, mothers with babies none of them seemed to notice me. I almost got hit by so many trolleys it was incredible. I just felt like I strangley blended into the background.

When I was in school this happened too. Q&A sessions with a whole class where I would make worthwhile suggestions yet be ignored. Times when I would put my hand up yet no-one would pay me attention. The rare occasion where I would get 95% in a maths test but the person with 56% would get far more attention.

Being the invisible girl just isn't as much as a super hero trait as people imagine. In fact if I had a super hero trait I think I would either
A) be able to fly
never age

I guess what I am trying to say is I always wanted recognition. Some days I want it more than others. Like when I am being struck by an out of control trolley!!

My house is a mess. I think you could possibly compare it with a cess pit andnot be told off for over exagerrating.

There are papers, car parts and clothes strewn on every seat. Boxes in the corner of the room. Untidy shelves. It's a nightmare.

I don't work. I therefore am expected to clean it. I don't know where to start though. Moving one thing unearths further debris. The living room as I look at it makes me feel sick. Boxes of car spares for my partners business which has thus far failed to take off are stacked in one corer. Papers for the same business sit on the arm of a chair. A pile of unsorted laundry is on the seat beside me. Of a setee with five seats there is one seat where you can sit comfortably and even then you are in amidst the rack and ruin.

The floor is again covered, bills, clothes, the dog sprawled on his duvet in the middle of it all surrounded by empty packets that he has scavenged.

I want to make it better but don't know where to start. I want to throw things away but am unsure what is a part and what is junk. I have no enthusiasm for car bits. I have no enthusiasm for anything lately.

The kitchen is mildly better but still needs tidying. The units look dirty. There is not enough cupboard space. Carrier bags of recycling hang everywhere. I try to tidy it and feel sick. We have a bin but my partner prefers using carrier bags. I don't know why. I don't question it.

Into the hall way where until this morning a bike stood propped against the wall. There are more boxes here. A desk frame blocks the entrance to the dining room and yet more clutter. Yet more boxes. I want to cry.

Up the cluttered stairs you find a semi clean bathroom. A bedroom whose floors are once again full with rubbish and clothing. A bedroom that you can't enter due to all the stuff piled into it. A bedroom which may one day be used as a study/office is so full of boxes that it is uncomfortable.

I want to cry. My partner accuses me of not caring. I do. I just don't know where to begin. So I sit down and write my blog. I need help. We need help. This is going to tear us apart.

Well I was going to work at McDonalds yesterday except I had a phone call from an agency inviting me for an interview...after various tests to see how good my numeracy, spellng and typing skills were...they offered me a position at one of the local prisons...

Now this is very different to anything I have done previously...it will be an enirely different working environment...it will be potentially challenging and I am really looking forward to it!

I am also rather relieved that I am not going to be smelling of burgers...whilst I love McDonalds I kept thinking back to when I was in Uni and one of my housemates worked in Burger King...however, much she washed after her shift she still smelt of fast food - it was seriously nasty!